


Fear

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Adoration of LOONA [1]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band), TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fear, Fear of Discovery, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22196353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: HaSeul talks to a friend...but maybe her friend asks too many questions she can't answer...
Series: Adoration of LOONA [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672402
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Fear

“Why are you afraid?”

I’m sitting across from Jo HaSeul at a café in Seoul, not far from Blockberry Creative. We (or at least I) have a good view of the huge mound at this end of the park across the street. I also have a front-row seat to the noisy traffic on _Seolleung-ro_ . In contrast, the café is quiet, almost empty, but since we both are idols who can speak English we do so for added privacy.

HaSeul is wearing a black sweater and blue jeans. With her hair a dark brown and her skin pale, she looks just as lovely, just as immaculate as she did during her debut music video. Like a pale winter princess from another world.

She doesn’t have much of an answer for my question. But then, I wouldn’t have asked it if we weren’t close, and if I didn’t fear for her myself.

“I don’t know. I just am.”

“ _What_ are you afraid of? Anything specific?”

“No, I just start to panic on stage, or in public. I don’t know why.”

An awkward silence follows.

“How do you feel about going on hiatus? About not promoting this time?”

She shrugs. “Not good. I was sort of ashamed, actually. But there was nothing else I could do. It would ruin me, I mean the group, if I went on stage and something happened. If I got choked up.”

I imagine myself doing this, and how it would feel. I think I’d want to disappear.

“How do you feel about your fans? The Orbits?”

“Oh, I’m really grateful! They’ve been really supportive. Well, almost all of them. But it means so much to me, how much they love us. How much they love even me.”

She crosses her arms over her chest, hunching her shoulders a little. “I feel like I don’t even deserve it.”

Damn the negative thought. “They kind of remind me of Onces,” I say.

“I know, right? We’re _nothing_ compared to Twice, and yet our fans are so passionate. I don’t even get how that happened.”

“I kind of think maybe it’s because your music is better.” Hey, I’m not lying.

“Really?” HaSeul blushes. “I’m surprised to hear you say that.”

“But you also had a better debut method, too. Twice had _Sixteen_ to get their early fan base invested, but you all had that year and a half of solo and sub-group stuff. You had time to build the hype.”

“Yeah, I guess so. I just wish we were more successful.”

“You will be! All your foreign fans think you’re gonna be the next BTS.”

HaSeul hesitates. “I’ve heard that. I’m not…I’m not sure if I can believe it.”

I change the subject, to try to find some positive inspiration for her. I make a huge mistake. “What do you think about Mina and Nayeon?”

HaSeul blanches. “You’re comparing me to them? To their anxiety?”

_Oh, no._ “Sorry. I just thought, maybe it would be helpful to talk about someone you can sympathize with. Or rather, someone who can sympathize with you, what you’re going through.”

HaSeul frowns. “That’s nice of you, I suppose, but it would only work out if I was speaking to one of them.”

I was careless. All I can do is apologize, and hang my head in shame.

“But if you really want to know, I feel bad for them both. Obviously I feel…closer to Mina with this struggle.”

“But she’s getting better, right?”

“Yeah, she is.” A moment passes. “Even thinking about Nayeon’s predicament terrifies me, though.”

“Me, too! I keep thinking that that freak is just going to get worse and worse, and this’ll only end with one of them—"

But I am silenced by the sudden look on HaSeul’s face, and feel ashamed once more. Then I think of someone else who suffered anxiety, and from the way HaSeul winces I am sure she’s thought of the same name. Although there’s more than one ghost in this conversation, now that I think about it.

HaSeul is stone-faced. I fear I am damaging our friendship. It is hard enough, day to day, just _being_ an idol sometimes. Not having learned proper socialization from my overworked, overcontrolled life, I struggle to respond to the pain I’ve caused.

“Have you ever seen Kim Dahyeon’s thrill walk?”

HaSeul’s face screws up. I would freely admit it is an odd question to segue to.

“From that trip they took to Switzerland?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I saw it. Dahyeon looked very cute when she was frightened. I hope you’re not planning on putting me through one of those.”

I shake my head. I was going ask her what her ideal thrill walk would be, but now I know it’s an inappropriate question. Besides, I know her well enough that it would be swimming in deep water while birds dive-bombed her head. Although, come to think of it maybe it would just be something like her trying to perform on stage without her voice.

“What do you think about me asking you all this?”

She can’t respond right away. She has to parse her words. “It makes me uncomfortable, but I appreciate what you’re trying to do. It’s just sort of going badly.”

“Can’t argue with that.”

She gives me a weak laugh, and then we go quiet again. Ordinarily, both of us would be carrying the conversation. Whether it’s entirely my fault or not, I’m the one who’s got to push things along this time. And I am in no mood to talk about myself.

“What do you think of Loona? About your bandmates?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Do you like them?”

“Yes! Of course I do.”

“What do you think of Hyunjin wanting to be a soldier?”

HaSeul laughs, and I’m relieved to have provided her with some real mirth.

“Part of me thinks she was kidding, but part of me thinks she was dead serious.”

“Somebody should hold one of those game jams. Make a shooter game starring her.”

HaSeul laughs again, but less sincerely this time, in just a single note. I drown my follow-up questions in the coffee I’ve been ignoring, and feel them disappear down my throat. Would Hyunjin have physical courage in times of danger? Would she, _could_ she, really take another life in anger?

I start to feel an itch in my mind, an itch I’m sure was already there when I asked about her bandmates. An itch which many Western Orbits have, too. I grew up in America. I know how it is. Certainly, she would know it from her year there, too?

I look at her. “You know what I’m going to ask about next, don’t you?”

HaSeul shifts uncomfortably in her seat. I notice her cup is about full. Come to think of it, I don’t think she’s taken more than a couple of sips since we sat down. At least, not since I started my prying.

I ask a different question. Maybe I can ease her into the big one. “How did you not know about your international fandom? It just surprises me.”

“We just weren’t paying attention. We were focused so much on Korea, we didn’t even count on the outside world.”

“Your message says otherwise.”

“Our message?” At this, HaSeul looks a little exasperated. “What message, the one from ‘Butterfly’? Yeah, I guess you’re right about that. But we don’t usually come up with that stuff, it’s the company that does. We’re just performing it. We all agree with it, don’t get me wrong, otherwise we probably wouldn’t do it. The company’s not that big, we’d probably have the leverage to push back.

“I don’t know why we would need to,” she adds, “our company is very good.”

Hmm. This is it. The moment of truth. I’m taking a big risk with what I’m about to say. I doubt I’ll get a straight answer out of her, but maybe if I gauge her reaction carefully she’ll give something away.

“What’s the message of ‘Heart Attack’?”

I’m right about her, not answering me. But her reaction gives enough away. Even if she hadn’t, though, the fact that she stonewalls me is confirmation all its own. She doesn’t deny the suspicions; she tries to pretend I didn’t say anything just now. God forbid she ever get questioned by anyone serious.

I have to salvage the situation. I apologize, again, and she just says, “Okay.” I wonder if the secret is gnawing at her, too. Suddenly I think of one wisecrack thing I could say that might put a smile on her face.

“You know, if I were making a thrill walk for Hyejoo, it’d be one of those escape rooms, but everything would be in English with no Korean. And her teammates would all be monolingual Americans.”

I’m so happy when HaSeul laughs. It doesn’t last long, but it’s not my fault this time.

“I had this dream a few weeks ago,” she tells me, in all seriousness. “We were on an American talk show. Um, I can’t tell you which one,” but from the way she bites her lip in earnestness, I believe she could tell me if she wanted to. “Anyway, the host asked a lot of questions she shouldn’t have, and it got really uncomfortable. But it’s the ending I’ll never forget.”

I lean forward, in rapt attention. HaSeul rarely shares stuff like this with me.

“I can’t…I can’t describe exactly what happened,” she says, holding back. “I just know it was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, and so very beautiful, too.”

No other information is forthcoming from her, and now I’m afraid I’ll never know what happened in her dream.

But I can guess.

**Author's Note:**

> I deliberately wrote the narrative character ambiguously. They could be male or female (or neither, for that matter). Partly this was because I couldn't think of who to ship with HaSeul, so I shipped no one. But also I thought it might make a nice change for the reader to have an easier go of projecting themselves onto the narrator.
> 
> Oh, and Haseul's dream is here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20350753


End file.
